Butterfly
by Star Otaku
Summary: Another End of 02 fic from me. This is from Matt's POV and his thoughts set to Weezer's Butterfly. PG13 for implied suicide.


Yesterday I went outside

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or its characters, they belong to Toei and their creators. I also don't own this song, it belongs to Weezer.

Author's Notes: Well, well. This is a Sorato songfic set to Weezer. Last time I got Sora, but time for Matt. If you need some help on where to get an MP3 of this song, go here: [www.sumanonline.com/Weezerton/MP3/ButterTor.mp3][1]. Warning for depressing and suicide is implied.

**Butterfly**

_Yesterday I went outside,  
With my momma's Mason jar.  
Caught a lovely butterfly._

Now that I look back on it, maybe that's what Sora was to me.

A lovely butterfly.

My boyish hopes and dreams fluttering before me. She was within my grasp, but out of reach. She had entered my world and found her way to my heart, but I could never enter hers.

I guess that's why I changed, for her.

"Reach the stars," the old saying goes.

So I did.

She was a star in the sky, and there was only one logical way to reach her.

I smartened up and I knew that as much as a rock band was fun, there were some probabilities I couldn't count on. So it was my hobby that slowly set itself on the backburner as I started to study the stars.

I guess it was something on her part that also drew her to me. Maybe I was that distant creature that dangled before her face. Another object for her to catch too.

Who knows how it happened, but we flitted and followed our paths to each other until we came together.

_When I woke up today,  
Looked in on my fairy pet.  
She had withered all away,  
No more sighing in her breast._

I had been given a free weekend off from the space project, and it was a cold Monday morning.

I woke up to find my wife curled up, far away from my body. She should have been close to me, since she was barely dressed from the night before, and the sheets would have done little to keep her warm.

She seemed so delicate then and there. Her breathing was light and the creases of weariness evident on her peaceful features. She didn't look like she was at rest, more like she was slowly dying.

And it hit me.

We were drifting apart.

_I'm sorry for what I did.  
I did what my body told me to,  
I didn't mean to do you harm.  
Every time I pin down what I want  
It slips away.  
The ghost slips away..._

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I was like my father.

I promised myself I wouldn't be like him in that aspect. Realizing too late that I should love my family with all my heart instead of trying to impress them by working all the time and distancing myself from them.

I'm sorry for hurting you while I was loving you. Like a butterfly collector, I suffocated you with ether while trying to preserve you.

_Smell you on my hand for days,  
I can't wash away your scent.  
If I'm a dog then you're a bitch._

Then there was the day of the court settlement. The papers filed, the marriage annulled.

I remember approaching you, ready to split up our children.

I stepped up to you and brought my hand up to your cheek to hold your face. You looked up at me with so much sadness and sorrow.

Then I drew my hand back and slapped you.

I don't know why I did it.

Maybe I was mad at you for being like my mother. She took TK and dad got me. It was mostly because of her I wasn't given a chance to be as close to TK as I wanted to. It was because of her I grew up to be so cold like this. And it's because of you our children will turn out like me.

Days later, I was so sorry about that. I tried to apologize, but I always got your machine.

On my hand, I could still smell the perfume you wore that day. It was the one I bought for our first anniversary.

_I guess you're as real as me.  
Baby I can't live without...  
Maybe I need fantasy,  
Life of chasing butterfly._

Is this my life, my destiny, my purpose? To grasp for what I cannot have? And when I do reach it, it must be yanked away from me?

They always did say that reality is harsh. But maybe they meant only the reality of this world. There's another world, and one I hope is untouched by life that goes on here.

Gabumon, my only true friend, can cushion the blows that life has dealt me and help me ride them out. I guess my troubles seem to disappear whenever I just go out for a ride on his back, like the old days in the Digiworld.

That's a fantasy. To go back to the Digiworld and relive those simpler days when all I had to worry about was if we'd live to see tomorrow and how to defeat the next threat.

That's another thing I'll never have.

Maybe I live off these butterflies that flutter away from me. I can only dream and strive to catch them, since I cannot actually catch them, for doing so only corrupts these fragile insects. I should let them go before I can grasp them. But in doing so, I only to let them escape and wander into the hands of those more worthy of having these delicate creatures.

_I'm sorry for what I did.  
I did what my body told me to,  
I didn't mean to do you harm.  
Every time I pin down what I want  
It slips away.  
The ghost slips away..._

I'm the keeper of friendship and just after the divorce I pushed you all away.

I even took up the chance to go to Mars to get away from all of you. Spare you from me and from my poisoning of your lives.

Here I am again, coming back from another round trip to the Martian terrain.

I made all the necessary preparations.

Before I left, I sent my son off to live with his mother, so he could be with his sister. A chance that TK and I weren't given.

My friends. My family. I'm sorry I failed you.

_I told you I would return,  
When the robin makes his nest,  
But I ain't ever coming back._

I now feel the shudder and lurch of the shuttle below my feet, but I still stare blankly at the approaching green and blue globe that is Earth.

Gabumon comes up to me now. "Matt! Matt! We're almost home. We're coming back!"

"No Gabumon. You're going back," I hear myself say grimly.

"What are you talking about Matt?"

I take an envelope that I stowed from my quarters out of my spacesuit. I stuff it in Gabumon's paws. "Promise me you'll give it to them."

"To who Matt?"

"To the Digidestined. To Sora. To my children."

"Of course I will Matt! But I think it better if you did it yourself."

"I can't do that."

_I'm sorry...  
I'm sorry...  
I'm sorry..._

"Matt?"

I don't bother listening to him. I just get up, grab my helmet from the console, and make my way to the airlock.

"Matt? Where are you going?"

I don't even bother to listen to him. I'm sure he knows what I'm doing by now.

"Matt! Stop! We're approaching re-entry! You can't do this! You're making a mistake!"

"Gabumon, it's better to burn out than to fade away. Goodbye."

_I'm sorry...  
I'm sorry...  
I'm sorry..._

I enter the air lock and shut it behind me. I'm all alone in the silent chamber save for the frantic clanking of Gabumon on the other side.

I key in my pass code and listen to the familiar hiss of the air escaping and the door opening out to me.

The stars are right in front of me.

I slowly take my first steps to become like a butterfly, free to flutter and drift among them.

The End

Additional Author's Notes: I don't know why I had to end it so depressively. Would Matt kill himself? I left it as an open question. He could change his mind at the last minute, or he could go through with it. But I'm sure the answer is pretty much in favour of him killing himself. Here's to Matt, who could have been a rock star and who could have married Mimi or Tai or Jun or some original character. Please review.

   [1]: http://www.sumanonline.com/Weezerton/MP3/ButterTor.mp3



End file.
